Why It Feels So Hard to Say No (and what it’s costing you)
You say yes with a smile, but your stomach twists.
You cancel your own plans to avoid disappointing someone else.
Sound familiar?
I wonder, at what point in the conversation did you abandon yourself?
Did you even notice?
As someone who spent years in the grip of people-pleasing (now mostly recovered 😊), I know that feeling intimately. I remember how awful it felt to say yes to everything, because what if I said no? What would happen? I didn’t want to risk it. It didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to let anyone down. I remember the little lies I told instead of saying no, because saying no wasn’t an option (the guilt and shame here was awful)
I could easily find myself in a day packed from morning to night, doing things for everyone else while completely disconnecting from myself. If I could physically squeeze in that quick coffee catch up inbetween breakfast and work, I would. Who am I kidding, I didn’t even eat breakfast but I would make it for everyone else. I would think nothing of cancelling my plans to fit around someone else (bye bye hair appointments, dentist….anything for self - so easy to cancel for others)
By evening, I wouldn’t do anything kind for myself. I’d zone out for hours, only to get hit with the late-night “zoomies.” Suddenly it’s 3 a.m., and I’m hoovering or dyeing my hair, restless and wired, because I hadn’t made space for myself all day. And the next day? You guessed it. Exhausted. Running on empty. But I’d plant a smile on my face and carry on like I was living my best life.
Until burnout hit.
Crying for no reason.
Withdrawing from everyone (hello, guilt).
Binge Eating.
So tired but unable to sleep.
Unable to do the bare minimum to care for myself, but still unable to ask for help.
All of this because I didn’t know how to say no. Because I didn’t want to upset anyone. Because somewhere deep down, I believed my needs didn’t matter. No one in my life expected me to abandon myself, but my internal belief was “I don’t matter”
My self-worth was non-existent.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If so, I gently invite you to ask:
What is people-pleasing costing me?
What does it do to my body, my relationships, my energy, my sense of self?
Let’s explore this gently, together.
Is your fear rooted in rejection?
In being seen as selfish, difficult, or “bad”?
Have you always had to be “the good one,” the reliable one, the one who never causes upset?
Maybe somewhere along the way, you learned that love was conditional. That your role was to take care of others, not yourself. That your needs were a burden.
If you’ve been stuck in this pattern for a long time, I imagine you might be feeling:
Burnt out
Resentful
Disconnected from yourself
Unsure what your needs even are - let alone how to communicate them
And I want you to know: that’s not your fault. This is a learned survival strategy, often rooted in childhood, trauma, or unspoken family roles.
But it can change.
A Gentle First Step: The Power of the Pause
What if you didn’t say yes straight away?
What if you said:
“Thank you, let me take a moment to check what I’ve got on and I’ll get back to you”
That one sentence can create space.
Space to check in with your body.
Space to ask: Do I actually want to do this? Do I have the capacity?
It’s a small, quiet rebellion against self-abandonment.
How would that feel if someone said that to you? - I’m guessing, you would say “no problem, just let me know”
Some more gentle pause phrases:
“Thanks for thinking of me - I just need to take a minute to see if I can”
“That sounds so lovely, I’ll need to check how I’m feeling nearer the time”
“Thanks so much for asking me, I can’t make this one but keep me in the loop if you do it again” (you don’t have to write an A4 explanation of why you can’t attend….it’s ok”
Journal Prompts for Self-Exploration
What does it feel like in my body when I say yes but mean no?
Where did I learn that saying no was “bad”?
What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?
How do I feel after I people-please? What am I left with?
What would it feel like to consider my own needs first … just once?
You deserve to have needs. You deserve to rest. You deserve to pause.
And learning to say no doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you whole.
A Final Note
This is my very first blog, and I didn’t want to overwhelm you.
There’s so much more to say about people-pleasing, boundaries, and how terrifying it can feel to let people down (even gently).
If this blog resonated with you, I’ll be sharing more soon, including how to cope with the guilt, the pushback from others, and the grief that can come with finally choosing yourself.
You’re not alone in this. And you don’t have to get it perfect…..just begin with a pause.
Julie x
