💌 A Letter for When Healing Feels Scary (and the old patterns start calling you back)

Hi lovely, 

You’re doing it. You’re starting to feel a little better. A little clearer. You’ve been letting your guard down just enough to imagine something different, a life that feels softer, freer, maybe even joyful.

But suddenly… it’s terrifying.

You find yourself drifting back to old habits. Maybe you’re bingeing again. Maybe you’re avoiding the people or practices that were helping. Maybe you’re pushing away the progress you’ve made, telling yourself it was all a fluke anyway.

It’s ok, it’s almost expected, you’re not going backwards, and you’re certainly not failing or weak. 

You’re not self-sabotaging because you don’t want healing

You’re doing it because healing feels unfamiliar.

And unfamiliar doesn’t always feel safe.

You absolutely know how to be in pain. You know how to binge, to numb, to push your needs so far down that no one, not even you, can hear them.

But that’s you in survival mode. 

You’ve worn those patterns like comfortable slippers, maybe since childhood. They were never your fault. They helped you get through. You became an expert in holding it all together.

So of course the idea of something different, of peace, of not abandoning yourself, feels unnerving. Scary, strange, even lonely.

When you start to believe you deserve more, the part of you that’s used to suffering panics. It doesn’t know how to exist without the chaos. It might whisper:

“Don’t get too comfortable.”

“Don’t hope too much.”

“You’ll only be disappointed.”

So you retreat. Not because you’re failing, but because you’re expanding beyond what you’ve known.’

If you find yourself back in old habits, please don’t shame yourself. That part of you doesn’t need punishment. It needs presence and of course kindness. 

Ask:

🌿 What am I protecting myself from right now?

🌿 What part of this feels too big or too raw to face? 

🌿 Can I let this fear know it’s not alone anymore?

You are not regressing. You’re meeting an edge. And you’re allowed to pause there for a while.

This is what healing often looks like:

Two steps forward. A wobble. A slide back. A moment of grace.

A deep breath. A shaky step forward again.

You don’t need to panic, you’re not broken.

You’re transforming.

And it’s okay if that feels scary sometimes.

You don’t have to go back to the slippers that kept you safe.

You’re learning to walk barefoot, tenderly, toward a new way of being. You really are doing amazing work! 

I’m so proud of you.

With love,

Julie 🕊️