“It’s My Secret and I Don’t Want to Tell Anyone and I Don’t Want to Give It Up”

The unseen shame and protective pull of binge eating

There’s a particular kind of silence that comes with binge eating.

It’s not just about eating too much or feeling out of control with food. It’s about what happens afterwards. It’s about the hiding. The wrappers tucked away in the bin beneath yesterday’s rubbish. The receipts folded deep in coat pockets. The late-night trips, the locked doors, the meticulous covering of tracks.

For many, binge eating isn’t just a behaviour, it’s a secret. A fiercely guarded one. A private thing that nobody sees. Sometimes, nobody even suspects. On the outside, life might look composed, accomplished, capable. But beneath that surface lies something that feels so loaded with shame that the idea of speaking it out loud is unbearable.

Because this secret… it doesn’t feel like just a problem. It feels like you.

And if someone finds out, really finds out, what does that mean about who you are?

Why the Secret Feels Safer

There’s often a moment when someone discovers it. Maybe they find the food. Maybe they notice something you thought you’d hidden. Maybe they say, half-joking, “Did you really eat all that?”

And in that moment, something breaks.

You thought you were the one in control of this secret, but now someone else holds it in their hands, looking at it with confusion or judgment or pity. And suddenly you’re not just dealing with your own shame, you’re dealing with theirs too. Their discomfort. Their advice. Their alarm. Their shoulds.

You should try fasting.

You should join a gym.

You should just keep healthier snacks in the house.

What they don’t see is that binge eating isn’t a lack of willpower. It’s not a simple hunger. It’s not about the food at all, not really.

It’s about regulation. Comfort. Numbing. Survival. It’s about the only moment in the day where you don’t have to perform or people-please or hold it all together.

For a few minutes, the food takes over. The world quiets. You disappear.

And in a strange, painful way…..it soothes.

No one can take it away.

No one can interfere.

It’s yours.

When Comfort Becomes a Cage

But here’s the part no one talks about:

The secret doesn’t just keep others out, it also keeps you stuck.

Because as long as no one knows, you don’t have to face the grief of what this has become.

You don’t have to risk being misunderstood, or dismissed, or told that what you’re feeling isn’t real or that it’s “just emotional eating.”

And yet… the secret also means you carry the weight alone.

You’re stuck in a cycle where the eating brings shame, the shame brings silence, and the silence drives more eating. A vicious, exhausting loop where you’re both the prisoner and the jailor. It’s isolating, but it’s also so familiar. And letting go of the secrecy feels like letting go of your only comfort. Your only rebellion. Your only relief.

So when someone says “Why don’t you just talk to someone about it?” they’re missing the point.

Talking feels like exposure.

Talking feels like losing the only thing that has helped you survive.

If This Is You

If you’re reading this and you know the secret I’m talking about, know this:

You make sense…..your feelings and behaviours make total sense.

There is always a reason the binge makes sense, even if it hurts.

There is always a reason the secret felt necessary.

And when you’re ready, there is also another way.

Not one that demands you give up your comfort cold-turkey or lay yourself bare before you’re safe enough to do so. But a way that honours why the secrecy started in the first place, and gently, compassionately, begins to loosen its grip.

You deserve support that sees past the behaviour and understands the need underneath it. Support that doesn’t shame you. That doesn’t try to take things away, but walks with you toward something more sustainable. Something kinder. Something real.

And If You’ve Never Been There

If you’re someone who’s never binged, never hidden wrappers, never stared down a cake at midnight and felt a war raging inside you, thank you for reading this far.

I hope you can take this with you:

Don’t rush in with solutions. Don’t take the secret as a sign that someone is lying to you. See it as a sign they’ve been surviving.

Don’t reduce this to willpower.

And please, don’t make it about you.

Instead: listen.

Be soft. Be slow. Be trustworthy.

And know that if someone has let you see their secret, that’s a profound act of courage.

You don’t have to tell your secret today.

But one day, when you’re safe enough, you might not need to keep it.

And what a freedom that will be.

Julie x

If you feel the time is right, please don’t hesitate to reach out via my contact form or email me: info@juliemccloreycounselling.com